


Designated Sexperts

by SVZ



Category: Glee
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-22
Packaged: 2017-11-08 08:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/441185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SVZ/pseuds/SVZ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Blaine’s in the condom aisle of CVS having a mini breakdown.” Mike tells her, his tone of voice somehow manages to convey the sheer ‘how is this my life?’ bizarreness of their current situation, “I think I need to go rescue him. ”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Designated Sexperts

**Author's Note:**

> Written prior to "The First Time"; I thought it would have been hilarious for Rachel and Finn and Kurt and Blaine to ask the designated sexperts of New Directions for advice.

Tina knows her role as one of Kurt’s girls; she’s his favorite shopping partner after Mercedes (because frankly, her style is way more compatible with his than anyone else). She knows that he’s her go-to girl when it comes to playing around with a new piano arrangement or dance choreography.

On Friday nights and weekends, Kurt’s always up for double-dates whenever she and Mike are free.

Ever since discovering from West Side Story rehearsals that Blaine and Mike get along great, Kurt seems to be on a one-man mission to make sure Blaine doesn’t regret transferring to McKinley.

Privately, Tina thinks that’s really sweet of Kurt - especially since Finn seems to have some sort of weird unexplained vendetta against Blaine.

Poor guy. First he has to transfer to a new school, then his boyfriend’s brother seems to hate him for no reason. Tina has taken extra care to sit next to Blaine in all their shared classes.

Still, Tina’s a little surprised to receive frantic text from Kurt right when she arrives at Breadstix for her date with Mike. 

 **Kurt (6:06):** need your advice!!!

Tina’s grateful that New Direction rehearsals means that she perfected the art of texting without having to look down.

It comes in handy when the hostess directs her to the corner table, where Mike had been waiting for her.

Thankfully, Mike doesn’t even seem to mind that she’s a little late. He’s on the phone and his eyebrows seem to keep going higher… and higher as he listens.

(“Blaine,” he mouths to her when she shrugs off her coat and makes a vague hand gesture that seems to suggest that the conversation is of utmost importance and shoots her an apologetic smile.)

Snagging a complimentary breadstick from the basket, Tina grabs her phone to text Kurt back.

 **Tina (6:09):**  sure, what’s up?

Almost instantaneously Kurt replies  _i think blaine and i are going to do it, need your help!_  which makes her choke.

Mike pauses his from his conversation. “Tee, you okay?” He pushes his glass of water across the table.

“Fine,” Tina coughs.

She texts Kurt back after she manages to stop sputtering:  _babe no judgment here. i know that i wore a lot of lace, chains, and leather last year but my sex life w/mike is pretty tame. i think google might be better?!!  
_

She follows that up with:  _fyi, he was the one who wanted to take things slow._

Even though Mike’s trying to keep his voice low, Tina can hear him reassuring Blaine something about cashiers are too busy counting down the minutes until their shift ends to care what customers buy.

Which can only mean that Blaine is also - oh, Tina is suddenly way more interested in their conversation now.  She helps herself to another breadstick.

Her phone buzzes twice.

 **Kurt (6:15):** tmiii! but blaine is coming over soon.

 **Kurt (6:15):**  candles, too cliché? just cliché enough? what about satin sheets?

Tina’s in the middle of typing up a response (candles; just cliché enough, satin sheets: no) when Mike nudges her foot under the table. When she looks up, he’s giving her a look she knows all too well - it’s his ‘I’m a nice guy and I can’t leave a good friend hanging’ expression. 

The last time Mike gave her that look, he had to cancel plans to help Finn with dance choreography.

“Blaine’s in the condom aisle of CVS having a mini breakdown.” Mike tells her, his tone of voice somehow manages to convey the sheer ‘ _how is this my life_?’ bizarreness of their current situation, “I think I need to go rescue him. ” The fact that she’s disappointed doesn’t escape his notice. “I’m sorry, I know that between the musical, chemistry tutoring, glee, and everything we haven’t been able to spend much time toget- “

“It’s cool,” Tina says. She’s disappointed because this is the first time they’ve gotten together outside of school for over two weeks but she understands. And at least they have their study date tomorrow, she can look forward to the not-studying part.

As though on cue, her phone buzzes again. “I think I need to convince Kurt to axe the idea about satin sheets.” She grins a little when Mike makes a face - probably at the memory when they tried that and it didn’t work out like they expected. “Yeah,” she agrees, “Either Kurt or Blaine will end up with their ass on Kurt’s floor. And that’s probably not what they had in mind.”

They leave what is probably an overly generous tip at the table out of guilt even though they hadn’t ordered anything but water.

The breadsticks were technically complimentary, but their server had been sending them meaningful looks for the past fifteen minutes because they kept asking for more time.

After Mike kisses her and Tina’s on her way to her own car, her phone buzzes again. She’s prepared to tell Kurt to drink a some tea and calm down when she notices the name attached.

This time, it’s Rachel with a similar plea for sex advice. Because apparently Santana and Quinn hadn’t been helpful when she asked them yesterday.

Tina groans.

She’s been cockblocked on a date with Mike - because all her friends needed sex advice.

The irony is killing her.

Tina sincerely hopes that Finn and Rachel are going to do it at Rachel’s house because otherwise - well,  _awkward_.

At least Monday’s glee rehearsal will bound to be interesting.


End file.
